The Secret of The Chamber of Secrets
by Jiang Qing
Summary: If Lockhart actually manages to solve the secret of The Chamber of Secrets, Harry will have no choice but to kiss Malfoy. Ew. ADDED BONUS: An exploding head. Oneshot, no slash. Shame.


"He'll be awful. He always is when we're tired."

"When we're tired? You should have left it as 'he always is'."

"True Story."

"He's not _awful_ Ron- look at all the things he's done!" Hermione dropped her quill, eyes unusually shiny. "I mean… just give him a break, okay?"

Ron stared back at her, a retort fresh on his lips. "Give him a break? Hermione, he's a nightmare! Did you hear him about that Creevey kid? He reckons he knows who did it!"

"And he might _actually_ know who it was!" Her voice was hot and littered with a strange, high-pitched accent.

"If he knows who it is, I'll amputate my own arm," Harry interrupted, flatly. "I doubt he even knows who Dumbledore is. Or himself. You know what I think? I think that Lockhart is an illusion… an irritating, ignorable, _killable_ illusion."

"Harry!" Hermione's bushy head whipped around. "How could… after all the advice he's given you…"

"I'll give my own advice, thanks. I tell you, if Lockhart manages to break into and solve the Chamber of Secrets then I'll kiss Malfoy."

"How do you know he won't be able to?"

"Able to what?"

"Solve the mystery of The Chamber of Secrets?"

"Because."

"Why? Go on, tell me!"

"Because it's the Chamber of Secrets. It's a secret. You can't find out a secret unless you get told a secret, but as it is a secret, it can't have been told. That's how I KNOW that Lockhart won't be able to solve the Chamber of Secrets. Because that's what it is."

Hermione's chin scraped the wood of her desk, and Ron began to absentmindedly count her teeth. "One, two, three… hold on… lost count…"

Harry began to clean his glasses on his robes, extremely pleased with his logic. Hermione suddenly closed her mouth with a snap, almost munching upon one of Ron's digits.

"If that's true, tell me this. If the Chamber of Secrets is such a secret, how come everybody knows about it?"

Harry was ready for that one. "Because it was a secret meant to be known."

"But… secrets shouldn't be known. Otherwise it wouldn't be a secret."

"Yes, but somebody's has got to know a secret. Otherwise it wouldn't be a secret… it wouldn't be anything. It would be a nothing. An anti secret of the non-secret society."

"Ah, but surely the Heir of Slytherin had to be told about the secret, and therefore it can't be a secret can it? Because Salazar had to share it with somebody else."

"True, very true, but you know the term "Can I tell you a secret?" That is somebody telling a secret, and it's still a secret because not everybody knows it. So you can tell a secret and it will be a secret, but not quite as secret as it may have once have been. If you could rate a secret, the Chamber of Secrets would be a super-secret… that is 10/10. But now the Heir Of Slytherin knows… it's an 8/10 secret. But a secret nonetheless."

"But EVERYBODY knows, Harry! So the Chamber of Secret's is no longer a secret! But a Chamber of Knowledge! And as Lockhart is quite a clever bean, I would say that he could work out the… the…"

"The what, Hermione?"

"The secret of the secret."

"AH HA!"

At this point, Ron's ears were smoking. "Guys… guys I don't understand…" He was ignored.

"So you admit, Hermione, that the chamber _is_ a secret."

"No, it's a secret of a secret."

"So… it should be called the Chamber of Secrets of the Secret."

"YES!" Hermione screamed. "My point entirely!"

"Ah," Harry continued, eating a sly chocolate frog. "But that's not as catchy is it? If it was called the Chamber of Secrets of the Secret, it would no longer be a secret of the secret hmmm?"

Ron's head exploded. Again, he was ignored.

"But it IS a secret. Because only we know about it."

"But Lockhart will have to. If he's going to discover it. Are you going to tell him?"

"No… because then he would have to discover the secret of the secret of the secret."

"Precisely."

"I bet he could though." Hermione began to twirl her wand thoughtfully around her fingers. "He's a genius."

"Well, he keeps his genius well hidden." Harry began to fidget. "And I bet he can't. Five galleons on it?"

"Deal."

Lockhart burst into the room, his magenta robes immediately giving the class eye-ache. "Good MORNING class!" He sang, his voice on the annoying scale of 'far too happy'. "How are we all this morning? Ah ha! I see Mr Weasley is out of action! Poor boy, if only he'd keep his head in certain situations."

With a sudden flash and a bang Lockhart disappeared into a puff of smoke. Once the dust had cleared, Hermione caught Harry pointing his wand at the exact spot Lockhart had vanished, his wand still sparking. Noticing wild eyes watching him, Harry shoved his wand into his pocket.

"And that Hermione, is why Lockhart won't be able to solve the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets."

"Why?"

"Because he's dead."

There was a short silence. Then-

"What spell did you use on him?"

"Now Hermione, that _is_ a secret."

Some money changed hands.


End file.
